Tuesday, April 19, 2005 ;
12:32:00 AM
its been a long time again since i last blogged. i've been bogged down with work and cramming and muggging and acting. today i realized how bad an actress i am. sigh.
i totally messed it up and i am still absolutely blur as to how everything's gonna be like. i dont know what i'm going to answer the judges when they ask me a question. everything is awful, i hate the way he directs the entire play - in fact, i
never wanted to do that play in the first place. and i dont understand anything about Brechtian theatre, let alone executing it. the costumes are absolutely minimalist and it destroys the entire visual delight. argh. michele and i were so upset with him tonight that we just went home literally burning in our frustration.
and also, i realized i'm really childish. not immature, but childish. in the way i act with people i'm comfortable with - like a 6 to 7 yr old? haha dont know whether that's good or bad but i guess i ought to shape up and act like my age. i mean.. i think i might just behave that way coz i dont know any other way that is safe to hide behind in? a mask, its called. therefore, the question comes again of, who am i? if i'm not acting that way, (emphasis on the word
acting), then who am i really? what is my character like? i dont know..
came across this calvin and hobbes comic strip and i love it. calvin's uncle came to stay in the house for a few days. his uncle and his mum start talking about calvin.
uncle: boy, calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes.
mother: yeah, they are inseparable.
uncle: dont you worry about that? i mean, shouldnt he be playing with real friends?
mother: oh, i think he will when he's ready. didnt you ever have an imaginary friend?
uncle:
sometimes i think all my friends have been imaginary.yes that's the punch line. it just made me think. it made me wonder about how my friends have been. and imaginary seems to be the right word to fit. so many "friends" have walked in and out.. so many promises, lies and last min cancellations...
daniel suggested i should let go. and i did. so why do i still feel this way?
i'm tired, stressed and impatient for 5th may to come. i need to sleep.
it never meant anything to you, didnt it? our friendship and all. they are all more impt. i could just
die, and you wouldnt even know.
every day is a new day ♥
