Saturday, March 26, 2005 ;
11:17:00 AM
why do i bother? i try so much and i still end up getting hurt.
i have so much to tell anyone. people always ask, "are you ok?" but they dont really want to stick around when the storm comes, they dont want to listen. i never cried so badly in public before as i did yesterday and i felt so terribly embarrassed. i felt like shit, especially after what God told me but who could i tell? no one could understand. i needed to talk. went to find my mum but she couldnt understand either. she said it herself. if she cant get it, why on earth do i keep hoping that someone would?
and i always have to pretend that i'm ok so that people can find me a safe "vessel" to confide in. it was so irritating and somewhat demeaning when he reduced me to an "aunt agony". the whole thing of giving of yourself is so shittified sometimes, you know?
and yet i cant stop. coz i want to care for them, even if i'm being used. and i dont know why i do this.. but when they are so upset i just want them to know that at least there's one person who cares? and i can just forget about myself then, to listen and try to help them, even if i know deep down i cant. this is crap. crap. crap. and when i care, and end up being rejected, or spurned, or just turned away, it cant help but hurt so bad.
what are relationships for, if they hurt so much?
every day is a new day ♥
