Monday, December 20, 2004 ;
2:04:00 PM
just came back from my trip early yesterday morning. and already so much has happened in between. but oh well i'm getting ahead of myself as usual haha..
trip was good i guess. but i just dont know. i've mixed feelings. and everytime i think of it i want to say that i've learnt much but i somehow feel like it also made me a bitter person inside. and i think of my life and i just wonder how, where, what can i ever contribute - to everything. esp to lives around me, whether saved or unsaved. it seems that as hard as i may try i just dont seem to make a difference. maybe i'm trying too hard and that because i'm trying, i expect something in return. when can i ever understand the meaning of the word "unconditional love"? i guess i need to learn about loving you even if my love means nothing to you. and to learn to love without selfishness.
yet there are people so hard to love. so hard to live with. try as i might, i just give up bothering some times. and i hate feeling so torn inside, hate having to ignore my conscience that is screaming at my insides to talk to you, to walk with you and be a friend to you.. when i dont because i know if i do, i'll explode. you just dont see what you do, you cant listen - you dont know how to. and i dont know how to tell you. with this tension within me, i just get so frustrated and so
helpless even.. there's nothing left for me to do except cry. which i did yesterday after what you said. you probably never even realized. and the walls around me which i let down before are starting to come up again.. walls of defensiveness, to block away the pain and hurt with harsh words that scorch and sting. and bj got the worst of it (i'm sorry dear, i really hope you'll understand). i dont know who to blame, i know its my fault yet i cant stop wishing you'll get out of my life - stop giving me problems, i've enough on my hands.
in many ways i learnt many things, and in many ways i unlearnt many things. as for now i'm dwelling on what's not good i know, but i cant help myself, i need to let it out before i implode within and become hollowed out. change is uncomfortable, irritating.. but i know it is what that keeps this world going.
as for the trip - seriously it was fine. food was ok i guess.. edible as di would say. the chinese there were extremely hospitable and kind.. and there was an overwhelming response from the students to our being there. it was kinda weird, from ordinary people on singapore streets to being stars, autographs demanded and wheedled out from each and every one of us. it felt fun at first, but afterward, awkward and uncomfortable. everytime i saw mobs, i run. i cant stand to be in the limelight - i feel scruntinized and terribly inadequate. and yet there was tonnes of fun too. darryl was a source of relief more often than not.. charlene a breath of fresh air in the fetid-ness of that which i mostly inhaled (i'm speaking metaphorically here.).. stef and caron - i love the hugs they give, its almost therapeutic. evelyn, jo and joy for the smiles and their insanity.. haha.. and oh i dont know.. many more.. but mostly God who was my companion when the day bowed to the silence of the night.
will probably elaborate more next time but i'm tired now.. later.
every day is a new day ♥
